The hidden weight of self-criticism: How your inner voice shapes your life

We all have an inner voice. When it's the only one we've known, it's hard to imagine what life would be like if it was different.

As a counsellor, nearly every client I’ve worked with has an internal power battle with a harsh inner critic, rooted in the feeling of not being good enough.

If this is you, the idea of self-compassion and positive self-talk might feel foreign, far-fetched or even cringy. However, challenging and reshaping this voice is possible, and the effects can be profound.

What negative self-talk sounds like:

Recognising these negative statements is the first step towards challenging and reframing them. Do the following statements sound familiar to you?

"I’m not smart/talented enough."

"I should have known better."

"It’s too late for me to start over."

"I should just get over it."

"Why even bother?"

"I’ll never be as successful as others."

As you can see, the inner voice filters what you see and affects many areas of your life, whether it is your confidence, relationships, career, and overall well-being.

How a harsh inner critic can negatively affect your life:

Self-worth and confidence

Negative self-talk is one of the most destructive forces of self-esteem. Imagine someone close to you constantly criticising your every decision, life choice, or appearance. Perhaps this was your experience with a family member or caregiver. When someone repeatedly questions their own worth, criticising their body, personality, or abilities, it gradually erodes their confidence. Over time, this internal dialogue can create hesitation and self-doubt, making it difficult to take chances, whether in a career, relationships, or even something as simple as trying a new hobby. It can lead to avoiding opportunities altogether or dismissing them before even giving them a chance.

Personal anecdote: If I didn't dare to suck and had caved into the embarrassment and self-critical thoughts that came with learning to surf, I wouldn't have been able to experience the beautiful lifestyle I have now, which is an integral part of my identity and how I spend my time.

Relationships

The relationship you have with yourself sets the standard of how you interact with others, and how you allow others to treat you.

When you constantly tell yourself you’re not good enough, you may tolerate mistreatment, overextend yourself to gain approval, or struggle to say no, fearing rejection or judgment.

Negative self-talk also heightens sensitivity to rejection, making it easy to misinterpret neutral or even positive interactions as signs of disapproval. This can result in withdrawing, pushing people away, or avoiding vulnerability altogether, ultimately reinforcing the false belief that you are unlovable.

People with a harsh inner critic often extend that same level of criticism to others, sometimes without realising it. When you hold yourself to impossibly high standards, it’s easy to expect the same from those around you. Those with a strong inner critic may struggle with perfectionism, making them intolerant of mistakes in both themselves and others, often leading to frustration, disappointment, or even resentment when people don’t meet their expectations. This can strain relationships, creating a cycle where high expectations lead to frequent disappointment and further reinforce negative self-talk and potential core beliefs i.e. 'I can't count on anyone', or 'everyone lets me down'.

Self-criticism and perfectionism

Perfectionism and a harsh inner critic often go hand-in-hand. A nitpicky inner voice may keep pushing the limits, naturally striving for flawlessness in an attempt to prove a senes of worthiness. However, perfection is an impossible standard, and the pressure to always get things 'right' or to prove oneself can lead to chronic stress, procrastination, burnout and depression. Even small mistakes can feel like personal failures, triggering a cycle of self-criticism and reinforcing self-doubt, anxiety, and low mood.

Development of mood disorders

Harsh inner talk also has a direct effect on your mood and emotional well-being. A single critical thought can spiral into feelings of frustration, sadness, or anxiety, shaping how you experience your entire day. Over time, this pattern can contribute to mood disorders like depression or anxiety, where persistent negative thinking makes it difficult to feel hopeful or motivated. Even if nothing external has changed, the way you speak to yourself can make the world seem harsher, reinforcing feelings of hopelessness or emotional exhaustion. For example, Seligman describes how "a pessimistic explanatory style is at the core of depressed thinking. A negative concept of the future, the self, and the world stems from seeing the causes of bad events as permanent, pervasive, and personal, and seeing the causes of good events in the opposite way." (Seligman, 1990).

The physical impact of negative self-talk

Chronic negative self-talk doesn’t just affect mental well-being, it also takes a toll on physical health. When you constantly criticise yourself, your body remains in a prolonged state of stress, activating the fight-or-flight response. This can lead to increased levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, which has been linked to issues such as high blood pressure, weakened immune function, digestive problems, and disrupted sleep. Over time, this ongoing stress can contribute to chronic conditions like heart disease, anxiety disorders, and even autoimmune diseases.

Unfulfilled potential

One of the biggest consequences of a harsh inner critic is unfulfilled potential and the belief that you can’t have what you truly want in life. Self-doubt can keep you trapped in your comfort zone, convincing you that you’re not capable, ready, or deserving of success or happiness. It can prevent you from recognising your own talents or even taking the first step toward new opportunities, because you fear they might lead nowhere. When you constantly question yourself, you may hesitate to pursue the things that matter most - whether it’s a career move, a creative passion, or a meaningful relationship. Over time, this avoidance can lead to regret, reinforcing the false belief that you’re not good enough and creating a self-perpetuating cycle of fear, inaction, and missed opportunities.

Breaking free & Neuroplasticity

Breaking free from negative self-talk is about cultivating a more balanced, compassionate inner voice. While a harsh inner critic might feel like a deeply ingrained and inseparable part of you, it’s not. Neuroplasticity shows how we are able to change and rewire our brains, and even our genes. Just as thought patterns, beliefs and skills are learned over time, a lot of things can also be unlearned. I call this 'deconditioning'.

By recognising negative thought patterns and actively challenging them when you notice them arise or take over, you can begin to train your inner voice to show up differently. Disclaimer: it takes time, having the right tools and exercises, and most importantly, it requires conscious effort. It won't happen overnight, but by actively untangling the roots of the inner critic, you can create a kinder inner dialogue that empowers and uplifts you rather than limits you and makes you feel small.

How I can help

Through a blend of person-centred counselling, CBT and Somatic EMDR, I help clients map out core wounds, identify and challenge deep-seated limiting beliefs and process them using Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR).

Through a process of uncovering core wounds such as 'I'm not good enough' or 'I have to perform for love,' a client and I will observe what areas of their life are being affected by the mental filter they're experiencing the world through.

In sessions, what often emerges is a web of seemingly unrelated memories, all linked by a common underlying theme or belief. Through bilateral stimulation - a process that engages both hemispheres of the brain, either visually or kinaesthetically - these memories can be processed in a way that reduces their emotional intensity. This allows the mind to release not only the emotional weight but also any limiting beliefs or patterns tied to the experience. As a result, clients often feel lighter, more at peace, and notice profound shifts in how they relate to the memory, themselves, and others.