What is emotional regulation, and how do you develop it?
- May 30
- 8 min read
Updated: Jun 4
Emotional regulation is one of those terms that gets used a lot, especially in mental health spaces, yet it feels like an ambiguous concept and is often misunderstood. Many people assume it means staying calm, being positive, or controlling emotions so they don’t show. In reality, emotional regulation has very little to do with suppression or forcing yourself to feel differently - it's quite the opposite.
At its core, emotional regulation is the ability to notice what you’re feeling, stay present with it, and respond in a way that helps your nervous system stay steady or return to balance, rather than shutting down or becoming overwhelmed.
This article explores what emotional regulation actually is, how it develops, and how thoughts, the nervous system, and the body all work together to shape our emotional responses.
Emotional regulation is not about never feeling overwhelmed; it’s about what happens when you do. When we’re tested and triggered, how do we show up, and how do we relate to our thoughts and emotions in those moments?
Emotional regulation is a learned skill, not an innate personality trait. It develops early in life through the emotional behaviours modelled by caregivers and the way emotions are met within relationships.
Many caregivers were never taught how to regulate emotions themselves, leaving children to adapt and figure it out alone. As a result, many adults find themselves wondering why they struggle to cope with stress, feel overwhelmed by their emotions, experience chronic anxiety, depression, or emotional dysregulation, or turn to coping mechanisms that provide temporary relief but create longer-term problems.
When we don't have the tools to process difficult emotions, we naturally look for ways to escape, numb, distract from, or soothe emotional pain. This can show up through overworking, perfectionism, people-pleasing, emotional eating, excessive screen time, self-destructive behaviours, substance use, or other coping strategies that help us avoid what feels too overwhelming to face. Research has found that childhood trauma and adverse experiences significantly increase the likelihood of problematic substance use and addiction later in life, particularly when emotional regulation skills and supportive relationships are lacking.
Research has consistently found strong links between childhood adversity, trauma, mental health difficulties, and addiction. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), such as abuse, neglect, emotional invalidation, household dysfunction, or exposure to chronic stress, have been associated with increased risks of anxiety, depression, PTSD, self-harm, substance use disorders, and other mental health challenges later in life.
While not everyone who experiences trauma develops a mental health disorder or addiction, many people who struggle with these challenges are carrying emotional pain, stress, or nervous system dysregulation that they were never taught how to process. In this sense, many coping behaviours are not signs of weakness or a lack of willpower, but adaptations that developed to help a person survive difficult experiences.
The good news is that emotional regulation is a skill that can be learned at any age. With awareness, practice, and support, it is possible to develop healthier ways of responding to emotions, reduce reliance on unhelpful coping strategies, and create new patterns that support long-term wellbeing.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation refers to the processes (both conscious and unconscious) that influence:
how we experience emotions
how intense those emotions feel
how long they last
how we express and respond to them
Well-regulated people still feel anger, sadness, fear, jealousy, grief, and joy. The difference is that emotions don’t completely hijack their system or dictate their behaviour in ways that cause long-term harm to themselves or others. They're also able to come out of it quicker.
Dysregulation, on the other hand, might look like:
difficulty calming down once upset
reacting impulsively
staying activated for hours or days after a trigger
overthinking and replaying situations repeatedly
shutting down, withdrawing, or emotionally numbing
feeling very raw and sensitive
inability to think or act clearly
impulsive reactions you later regret
numbing or avoidance
chronic anxiety or irritability
When emotional activation isn’t recognised and regulated, the nervous system may remain in a heightened or collapsed state. Over time, repeated or unresolved activation can create a chronically dysregulated baseline.
Dysregulation can last far longer than most people realise. For some, it may last minutes or hours before the nervous system naturally returns to balance. For others, especially those with a history of chronic stress, trauma, or limited emotional support, activation can persist for days, weeks, or even become an ongoing baseline state.
This is because the nervous system responds to perceived threat, not just actual danger. If the brain continues to interpret a situation as unsafe, the body may remain stuck in a cycle of fight, flight, freeze, or shutdown long after the original trigger has passed. Over time, a person may become so accustomed to living in a dysregulated state that anxiety, hypervigilance, emotional numbness, irritability, or exhaustion begin to feel normal.
The longer the nervous system remains activated without opportunities for regulation and recovery, the more difficult it can become to access feelings of calm, safety, connection, and emotional flexibility. This is why emotional regulation is not simply about managing feelings in the moment - it is about helping the nervous system complete stress responses and return to a state where we can think clearly, relate effectively, and respond rather than react.
How is Emotional Regulation Developed?
For most people, this learning happens implicitly in childhood, through relationships with caregivers. Long before a child can reflect on their emotions, their nervous system is shaped by how emotions are met in their environment - beginning even in the womb. Research also suggests that patterns of stress and regulation can be carried across generations, shaping nervous systems long before conscious learning begins (Serpeloni et al., 2017; Hjort et al, 2021)
When caregivers can notice, name, soothe, and tolerate a child’s emotional states, the child gradually internalises these processes. Over time, external regulation becomes internal regulation. The child learns: emotions are manageable, temporary, and safe to feel, and gradually develops the ability to self-soothe, reflect, and respond rather than react.
Think back to how your Mum or Dad dealt with stress, conflict, or difficult emotions.
What did you learn from watching them?
Can you see any ways their reactions affected you growing up, or still show up in how you deal with stress and relationships today?
When caregiving is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or overwhelming, emotional regulation may not fully develop. Instead, the nervous system adapts for survival. These adaptations might include hypervigilance, emotional suppression, people-pleasing, emotional numbing, or explosive emotional expression.
Because emotional regulation is learned relationally, difficulties with regulation in adulthood are not evidence of being 'too sensitive,' 'reactive,' or 'broken.' They reflect a system that did not have the opportunity to practise regulation with a steady, attuned other.
The encouraging part is that what is learned can be learned later. Through safe relationships, therapy, psychoeducation, and embodied practices, adults can develop the regulation skills that were never fully modelled for them. With time and repetition, the nervous system can learn new patterns of settling, responding, and returning to baseline.
The Nervous System: The Foundation of Regulation
Before we talk about thoughts or behaviour, we need to talk about the nervous system.
Emotional regulation is first and foremost a physiological process.
The autonomic nervous system constantly scans for safety or threat. When it perceives danger, whether physical or emotional, it automatically shifts the body into survival states such as:
fight (anger, irritation, defensiveness)
flight (anxiety, restlessness, worry)
freeze or shutdown (numbness, dissociation, exhaustion)
In these states, access to logic, reflection, and choice is significantly reduced. This is why trying to 'think your way out' of intense emotions often fails.
Regulation requires the nervous system to return to a state of relative safety and balance, where the body feels settled enough for reflection and choice to become available again.
Because emotions are embodied experiences, regulation must involve the body. Emotions show up as physical sensations: tightness in the chest, heat in the face, heaviness in the limbs, a knot in the stomach. Ignoring or overriding these sensations often intensifies them.
Body-based regulation ideas:
using grounding, breath, or sensory input to support settling
comforting textures like fuzzy socks or a plush blanket
essential oils or grounding smells i.e. lavender , sandalwood
noticing physical sensations without judgment
allowing sensations to move and change rather than trying to force them away
stretching, yoga, shaking, walking, or other gentle forms of movement
spending time in nature and engaging the senses
Many more practical tools, exercises, psychoeducation, and nervous system regulation practices can be found in the guided Emotional Regulation Journal I created, designed to help you better understand your emotional patterns and build a personalised toolkit.
Thoughts and Meaning-Making
Thoughts equally play an important role in emotional regulation. Once the nervous system is activated, the mind quickly creates stories to explain what’s happening. These interpretations can either escalate or soothe emotional states.
For example:
“Something is wrong with me” tends to intensify distress
“This is uncomfortable, but it will pass” tends to reduce it
The way you see the world and speak to yourself shapes the way you experience it. Our thoughts influence how we interpret situations, what we pay attention to, and the meaning we assign to our experiences. In turn, these interpretations affect our emotions, behaviours, and physiological responses.
This doesn't mean positive thinking is the answer or that difficult emotions can simply be thought away. Emotional regulation is not about convincing yourself that everything is fine when it isn't. Rather, it's about becoming aware of the stories running in the background and questioning whether they are helping or hurting you.
Over time, repeated thoughts can become deeply ingrained beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. If someone repeatedly tells themselves they are not good enough, unsafe, unlovable, or destined to fail, those beliefs can shape the way they respond to challenges, relationships, and opportunities.
Learning to notice and gently challenge unhelpful thought patterns can create more flexibility in how we respond. Instead of automatically believing every thought, we can learn to step back, observe it, and ask whether there might be another perspective. This shift can reduce emotional suffering and help us respond with greater clarity, self-compassion, and resilience. This is how we actively change patterns.
Improving Emotional Regulation as an Adult
If emotional regulation wasn’t adequately supported earlier in life, it can absolutely be learned later.
This process often involves:
increasing awareness of nervous system states
building tolerance for emotional sensation
learning body-based regulation skills
developing self-compassion instead of self-criticism
practising responding rather than reacting
discerning which relationships support your regulation, and which don’t (co-regulation)
strengthening interoception and intuition, so you can make aligned choices that keep you within your optimal zone of functioning (often referred to as the Window of Tolerance)
Regulation grows through repetition and self-compassion, not rushed perfection.
A Final Note
Struggling with emotional regulation is more common than you might think, especially given the social norms around emotions and the parenting styles many of us grew up with.
It simply means your system adapted in ways that once made sense. With understanding, patience, and the right support, regulation can become an embodied, healthy baseline and way of being, rather than something you force. From that place, emotional life becomes less about control and more about acceptance, resilience, and capacity.
Supporting Your Regulation Practice
If you're looking for a practical way to build awareness of your nervous system, understand your triggers, challenge unhelpful thought patterns, and develop healthier emotional habits, I've created an Emotional Regulation Journal to support that journey.
Designed through a trauma-informed lens, this guided workbook combines psychoeducation, reflective prompts, emotional tracking tools, exercises inspired by various therapeutic modalities from CBT, ACT, Somatic Therapy, and nervous system awareness practices to help you better understand yourself and respond to life's challenges with greater clarity and self-compassion. It's available as an instant download on Etsy, allowing you to work through it at your own pace, whenever you're ready.
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