What is relational trauma?
Relational trauma occurs when a person has experienced repeated emotional injuries within close relationships, particularly in early life. It often stems from caregivers who are neglectful, emotionally unavailable, abusive, or inconsistent in their affection and emotional support. Unlike a single traumatic event, relational trauma develops over time, shaping a person’s sense of self, safety, and ability to connect with others.
Relational trauma is particularly painful because it disrupts the very relationships that should foster security and love. When the people we depend on for protection and care are our deepest sources of pain, it can leave deep emotional scars that carry into adulthood, preventing us from experiencing what it means to truly connect with others.
Signs of relational trauma
Relational trauma manifests in various ways, including:
fear of intimacy
hyper independence as well as codependence, and these two can actually exist at once
feeling unworthy, defective, damaged, or unlovable
people pleasing
fawning and conflict avoidance
difficulties with trust
attracting dynamics that disrespect and hurt you
keeping people at arm's length
Mental health conditions associated with relational trauma:
Relational trauma, which is caused by chronic neglect, abuse, or betrayal from those we rely on, can deeply impact emotional and psychological development. In childhood, our nervous system and sense of self are predominantly shaped through our interactions with caregivers. When these relationships are a source of fear instead of safety, the brain adapts for survival, often leading to patterns of hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty trusting others. Over time, these adaptations can contribute to mental health conditions that affect mood, relationships, and overall well-being. Below are some of the most common conditions associated with relational trauma:
Complex PTSD (C-PTSD): Symptoms can include difficulty regulating emotions, deep-seated shame, flashbacks and difficulty forming secure relationships.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Marked by intense fear of abandonment, emotional instability, impulsivity, and difficulties maintaining relationships.
Depression: Chronic relational trauma can contribute to persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and low self-worth.
Anxiety disorders: Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) and social anxiety disorder are common in individuals with relational trauma due to persistent fears of rejection or failure.
Attachment disorders: Such as avoidant or anxious attachment styles, which impact how individuals form and maintain relationships.
Dissociative disorders: Including dissociation, derealisation, and dissociative identity disorder (DID) in more severe cases of trauma.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): ADHD and childhood trauma can share overlapping symptoms, such as impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty focusing. Trauma can sometimes mimic or worsen ADHD symptoms due to a constantly activated stress response, making it harder to distinguish between the two.
The common thread behind these disorders is the deep-seated disruption of a person’s sense of safety, self-worth, and emotional regulation. When core attachment needs such as love, consistency, and validation are repeatedly unmet, the nervous system remains in a state of heightened alert or emotional shutdown. This prolonged stress can rewire the brain’s ability to manage emotions, trust others, and establish a stable sense of self.
How relational trauma affects the brain
Repeated relational trauma can alter brain function, particularly in areas related to emotional regulation, memory, and stress responses such as the prefrontal cortex, amygdala, the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) axis and hippocampus.
The nervous system becomes hypervigilant, constantly scanning for threats, even in safe situations. As a result, survivors often find themselves in a persistent state of hypervigilance or emotional detachment, making it challenging to feel fully present in life. Relaxation can feel unsafe, as their nervous system remains on high alert, anticipating potential threats even in moments of calm.
This is where EMDR can be particularly beneficial, as it helps to desensitise overactive areas of the brain that remain trapped in a loop of unnecessary high alert, allowing the nervous system to recalibrate and respond to stress more appropriately.
Healing from relational trauma
Healing from relational trauma is possible, but it requires patience and intentional effort. Just as these wounds were formed over time, undoing their impact is a gradual process that unfolds with self-awareness and practice. Cultivating self-compassion is crucial in the process, especially if you have internalised a harsh inner critic, as is often the case with relational trauma. It serves as a powerful antidote to self-blame and shame, helping to replace harsh self-judgment with kindness and understanding.
When in doubt, try speaking to yourself as you would to your younger self, offering the kindness, reassurance, and love they longed to receive.
So how do you actually start to heal relational trauma?
Understand your nervous system: Befriend your body and really listen to what it's saying. Your emotions and bodily cues serve as a guide to what feels right and wrong for you. Learn regulation skills so you know what you need when your system is out of whack.
Identify and rewrite negative core beliefs: Relational trauma is a breeding ground to negative core beliefs, such as “I am unlovable” or “I must perform or earn love.” Being aware and challenging these beliefs can shift how we see ourselves, and in turn, change how we interact with others and our environment, shifting the quality of experiences we have.
Identify and communicate your boundaries: Boundaries protect your wellbeing and set the tone for the way others treat you. This may involve speaking up for yourself, learning to be more assertive, or prioritising what feels right for you. The right people will honour your boundaries, reinforcing mutual respect and emotional safety.
Therapeutic support Trauma-informed counselling, EMDR, somatic therapies and evidence-based modalities like CBT can help process/reframe painful memories and rebuild a sense of trust and safety.
Cultivate safe relationships: Surround yourself with friends, partners, or communities that respect, validate, and honour your emotions. Healthy connections create a secure space for unlearning harmful patterns and rediscovering a sense of belonging. This process helps rebuild trust and rewires your brain to recognise that safe relationships are possible and available for you. If opening up feels challenging, know that being discerning can be an advantage by allowing you to observe how people reveal their true nature over time before fully letting them in and getting hurt from the beginning.
Moving forward
Healing from trauma is not a one-size-fits-all process, and there are many ways to break free from past patterns, build healthier relationships, and fully engage with life. Having personally navigated CPTSD, anxiety, depression, and bouts of dissociation, I write from a place of empathy and understanding. My own journey has led me to this path, offering counselling rooted in lived experience - creating a space where clients feel truly heard, understood, and supported. Over the past 15 years, I have explored my own wounds, deepened my connection to my body's cues and nervous system, and gained profound insight into the healing process. Now, I hope to share this wisdom so others can benefit from my journey while also offering a supportive space for them to explore their own as a trained counsellor.
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